Monday, July 26, 2004

Hi, My Name Is The_Keoki...And I Have A Star Wars Problem!

Sometimes I feel I have to give that information up front at the door.  You know like those people you meet at a bar or a club and everything is going great and then she or he says, "I have children from a previous marriage."  Important information right?  Or you're hooking up back at your place and things are going swimmingly, and then he or she says, "I have a horrible case of Gonorrhea."  I could keep going, but I think you get the picture right?  These are all things that are part of a person's character and you wouldn't want to get rid of these things, except of course for the Gonorrhea.  I am what is now known as a Star Wars apologist.  Since the unveiling of Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, I have been apologizing for George Lucas and promising anyone who will listen that the next Episode will be better.  "Episode 1 was just a setting up movie!" "These things take time!"  "Patience, young ones, Patience."  Since 1999 I've been saying all these things and much more, and sadly I don't think anyone was or is listening.  I think the public has been distracted by superior films like the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, the Harry Potter films, the Matrix films...hell even the first Mummy was more fun then both of Episode 1 and 2 put together.  The Original Trilogy was pure popcorn upon first and second viewings, it wasn't until much later that George Lucas decided that it was something else.  He claims that it's his representation of Joseph Campbell's mythology of the Hero.  He claims that he cribbed from the Kurosawa films that he loves so much.  He claims that he was inspired by the serial science-fiction movies he paid a quarter to watch every weekend when he was a kid.  That's all fine and dandy for the Original Trilogy, they had aspects of all those things and they WERE FUCKING FUN!!!!  THEY WERE GOOD MOVIES!!!!  It seems that he's lost focus because I don't remember Joseph Campbell ever talking about Senate Hearings in his books.  I also don't recall Akira Kurosawa ever having his two leads rolling around in a field of lillies laughing and giggling like a couple of retarded schoolgirls.  Maybe I forgot something abourt the old serials but weren't they ACTION FUCKING PACKED?   Yeah they were, they had to be to get you to come back the next week.  It was all about the cliffhanger man!  Empire Strikes Back had a pretty groovy ending, definitely made you want to come back for more....Attack Of The Clones on the other hand ended with a SECRET WEDDING CEREMONY.  Holy crap I can't wait for the next one, hopefully it kicks of with the SECRET HONEYMOON!  Okay so I've gotten off track, it doesn't sound like i'm an apologist at all does it?  I am because i'm here to tell ya that Episode 3 is where it's at!  He's been teasing us the whole time like a true master showman.  He knows what we've wanted the whole time and now he's going to give it to us.  This will be without a doubt the greatest StarWars movie ever!  In fact it may well be the greatest film ever put to celluloid (Actually Lucas films on a Digital Camera so it goes to a Digital source and then gets encoded on to Celluloid, just clarifying.)  Oh yes people,  STAR WARS  EPISODE III: THE REVENGE OF THE SITH is going to grab Citizen Kane by the balls and say, "Here's your Rosebud!"  SWE3:ROTS, as the geeks are already calling it, is going to ROCK YOU FUCKING SOCKS OFF!  You heard it here first people.  And by doing so will make everyone look at Episodes 1 and 2 and say, "Those were great movies man, I just needed Episode 3 to understand how great they were!".  Which was Mr Lucas' plan in the first place.  It's all a strategy, which all you naysayers out there have fallen for! You naysayers are all pawns in the cosmic chess game that is Star Wars.  You are owned and operated by Star Wars you just dont know it.  So in the end I guess I'm not so much an apologist as I am a REALIST!  STAR WARS ROCKS!  Now go tell a friend what you've just learned.


Canowine said...

My money is on E3, and for all the naysayers who say don't waste your money because Lucas's product is going to carry a stench worse than Jabba's ass crack (I'm looking at you, Tom, and you too, Randy) I have a BLASTER in my pocket pointed right at your foreheads that says otherwise.

Anonymous said...

Yeah I can smell Jabba's ass behind me already, oh sorry it's just John full of his Star Wars shit. How are you gonna have a blaster pointed at both our heads while it is in your pocket? The Jedi mind shit isn't real. I have a sacrificial chicken head on my dresser that says it's gonna be a waste of money. Nuff said.